Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I read, therefore I am…

Woman 1/22/09

Forget the fashion for a second. Another window into the personality of a subway rider is the material they are reading. Pair that with their outfit and you have a very good idea of who they are, or are trying to be.

She was reading My Custom Van by Michael Ian Black. It’s a comedy book, and written by a man who while a cast member of The State, was never on The Kids in the Hall. I admit I’ve made that mistake.

What kind of a woman reads that book? The kind that carries a tote bag that had cartoon illustrations of whimsical food items. There were muffins, pink glazed donuts, broccoli, lemons, and coffee mugs. The best ones were actually hearts with the letters BFF or bfo in the middle, like those candy Valentine’s hearts grade schoolers give each other. The canvas tote had red accents and straps with silver grommets fastening them to the bag. Curiously, the lining was exactly the same print. Reversible tote perhaps?

On her head was a big red knit hat. Worn almost like a beret – off her forehead. That hat matched the red hoodie she had on. Her winter coat was black wool with small white dot pattern. And her gloves were black cotton. The scarf was a plain white ribbed wool number. Her age really started to show with her grey faded skinny jeans and her black worn Chuck Taylors. I couldn’t figure out why she only had on ankle socks on such a cold day though.

Her shoulder length hair was dark brown. No bangs. At first glance, her face looked clean. But a second look revealed very subtle eye shadow – her own light version of the smoky eyes look perhaps? She pulled out a tube of Burt’s Bees lip balm and did a light application in the middle of her ride.

It struck me that if she was reading a different book, or none at all, she would have given off a Parisian or sophisticated French girl kind of vibe. Heck, she could have been reading Twilight, or even Harry Potter. Why did it have to be Michael Ian Black?

Or maybe that was exactly the glance into her personality we needed?


  1. I have slept with countless homely, diseased, and downright hamburger-resembling girls for the mere fact that they WERE reading Michael Ian Black's book. But hey; some of us have good senses of humor (i.e. her), some of us don't. Some of us have syphillis. (I have syphillis.)

  2. hahahahhaha that comment is totally from MIB. It's exactly his style of writing.
    Which I know because I've read his book.
    And as a result have slept with him.
    (Now I have syphillis.)

  3. You would rather see her reading Twilight than MIB? You're retarded.

  4. Anyone who doesn't know EXACTLY who is in The Kids in the Hall isn't worth knowing.

  5. The fact that she had that book in her hands would be reason enough for me to plop right down next to her and chit chat about how friggin' awesome MIB my friend are lame-o.

  6. I've read the whole Harry Potter series and Twilight series, plus Michael Ian Black's book and I'm a really wonderful person. Stop judging a book by it's cover! Although it'd be much harder to judge me by what book I'm reading because I take the covers off all of my hardcover books.

  7. I don't know who "The Descriptionist" is. But thanks to the blog, I've discovered Michael Ian Black. Just bought the book today.

  8. I dont know who Michael Ian Black is. But thanks to his blog I discovered "The Descriptionist". Just bookmarked this great site.

  9. The comment the Anonymous poster above me posted doesn't make sense. They are trying to be like the Anonymous poster above them, but that comment makes sense. Fail Anonymous. Fail.

  10. Your comment on Blacks blog was very classy.
    Nicely done Descriptionist. :-)

  11. Hey now. I'm not kidding - I have made friends based on the fact that they like Michael Ian Black/and/or Stella/and or other workings of ppl from the state. Plenty that are girls. The people that do like MIB just seem to have an amazing sense of humor. On that note 'My Custom Van' made me laugh so hard I cried, anddd I think I just may go rewatch all of Stella now when I am finished writing this sentence.
    I'm sorry to hear that you do not like girls who have personalities. Just saying.

  12. You know, I'm going to miss all this vitriol and hate directed my way. I've been laughing so hard from all the comments posted on both blogs. It's funny how an irrelevant blog (that maybe 5 people read on a regular basis - and none of them are related to me) has gotten so many hits and comments over one post.

    But seriously, did any of you (not you 5) really read the post? Or any other posts? Well, a lot of you seem to know who FOB is, which surprises me.

    Do you think Ben Stiller has rabid fans too?

    Thanks for reading. Back to toiling in obscurity now.

  13. People who have fans:

    Billy Crystal
    Rodney Dangerfield
    Descriptionist (psych!)

    So having fans is an awesome metric. It's not hate and vitriol, it's pure love. We're just trying to get you layed, man!

  14. First thing I did when I got MIB's book. I fucked it. I fucked the shit out of it. Then I told it I loved it, ignored it for awhile, and kept finding myself coming back to it for some more.

  15. I think your writing is very good for someone who appears to be approximately 8 years of age.

    Either that or you're a creep with a thing for pictures of eight year old boys.

    Either would explain your fondness for FOB.

  16. You guys, be nice! All Descriptionist needs to do is get acquainted with Michaels humour, he's just not entirely in the know at this point.

    Descriptionist, go buy his book and leave a sparkling review my man! All will be forgiven.

  17. Michael Ian Black is hysterical. You are not.

  18. Seriously, Twilight? I'm sorry you don't like girls with a sense of humor. You should really try it sometime, it may rub off on you.